For most of my life I was convinced that once I decided who I was - my identity - I was committed to that forever. I'm glad I was wrong.
I spent decades being an out of shape, beer drinking, televised sports addicted, Christian, right-wing, gun carrying, flag waving Conservative Republican whose job it was to sacrifice my own health and happiness to climb the corporate ladder and provide an awesome life for my wife and kids.
Listen, none of those are bad or wrong, and I am certainly not trying to portray those qualities as being problematic. The problem was that I looked at them as a package deal, and I fought hard to portray them as a character. I tried hard to project the image of this guy, and I worked hard to get people to see me and experience me through this lens. I thought I was obligated to be that guy, until my entire life fell apart because it was all a house of cards.
That's when I found out that I could question the character I'd been trying so hard to maintain. I could choose a new direction and practice showing up differently. How I saw myself influenced the choices I made, the relationships I built, and what I believed was possible for my life.
You get to participate in who you become. You can honor what you've lived through and still make room for something new.
What is a Current Self-Concept?
A current self-concept is simply how you see yourself today. It includes the stories you tell about your abilities, your worth, your roles, and what is possible for you. Those stories can come from your experiences and the messages you've absorbed from other people. Becoming aware of them gives you a place to begin.
Our past experiences can strongly influence our current identity. For instance, I was molested when I was a child. For much of my life I carried the belief that my body was worthless, and I treated it that way. This aspect of my self-concept was shaped by things that happened when I was 7 or 8 years old. As I began to recognize that belief, I could question it and learn to relate to myself differently.
If you look at your life - how you view your ability to create wealth, how much you believe in yourself, how much you give and receive love, how you take care of your body, how you view God, and just about every other aspect of your life - you've likely never challenged your own self-concept in order to choose beliefs and stories that are more empowering. Maybe you've just brought forth beliefs and perspectives from your childhood too. Maybe you've evolved in one aspect in your self-concept, but others remain less empowering.
Your current self-concept is how you perceive yourself in relation to the world. It can influence how you act and what you allow yourself to pursue. Other people have their own perspectives, and circumstances aren't entirely within your control. Your opportunity is to become more conscious of the choices that are yours to make.
Your Future Self-Concept
Many people I work with create a written vision for their lives and businesses. Having direction makes life a fun game to play. We are creators, so when we are clear on what we are creating, we get to have more fun being human. A vision describes how you want to experience your life and who you want to become. Goals give you specific achievements to work toward within that larger direction.
If you take a hard look at your wants and dreams, you'll find a future self-concept you are trying to create. Oftentimes we want new cars, new houses, new jobs, business results, new relationships, more money, or whatever we want because we are trying to create and experience a future self-concept. This might be I am loved, I am successful, I am wealthy, I have nice things, etc. When I look at the people I work with, most times they want new outcomes because they are trying to become more of something, or they are trying to feel more of something.
As human beings we like to rearrange our external world to discover a greater sense of ourselves. We like to believe that we need to have more to be more. We develop a future self-concept, then unconsciously assign some level of attainment or achievement to close the gap between our current and future self-concepts.
Sometimes we delay feeling worthy, loved, or successful until an external condition is met. Then we move the condition again. We might see ourselves as unsuccessful even though we've created magnificently successful businesses. We might feel alone surrounded by family and friends, or feel poor despite having plenty of money. It's worth pausing to notice what we've already created and the parts of ourselves we're still learning to accept.
Judgement and Projection
Ever since I began to understand the power of self-concepts, I've also begun to understand how human beings allow fear of judgement to choke them, and work so hard to project a false self-concept into the world.
Fear of judgement can show up when we worry that other people will see us differently from how we want to be seen. We may begin making choices around their approval, even when those choices lead us away from what we genuinely want.
In my own life, projecting an image meant working hard to get other people to see the character I wanted them to see. That took energy away from understanding myself and living honestly.
For me, that need to maintain a character was tied to low self-esteem. I lacked acceptance, confidence, courage, and trust in myself. Recognizing it helped me begin asking a different question: who am I when I give myself permission to be honest?
Getting honest about who you are, accepting yourself, and practicing choices that reflect your values can build self-trust. You can remain true to yourself while allowing others to do the same. I call that radical authenticity, self-worth, and personal significance.
As you begin to see yourself as worthy and personally significant, you can practice letting other people have their opinions. Courage includes being willing to be seen as you are. You get to create a life that is uniquely yours, even when everyone doesn't understand it.
Becoming Your Future Self-Concept
If you are driven for personal growth like I am, you are constantly exploring who you can become. Take inventory of your current self-concept, identify how you'd like to experience yourself, and choose one way to practice that today. If your future self is a present partner, have the conversation you've been putting off. If you see yourself as a capable business owner, take the next thoughtful action your business needs.
Write down a few sentences about the person you are becoming and the life you want to experience. Include how you want to work, relate to others, care for your body, and use your time. Imagine an ordinary day lived from that vision, then choose an action that brings it into today. Notice what you learn when you follow through.
Sure, you might trip occasionally and fall back into old self-concept habits. That's the gravity of the familiar. Simply start again. Each choice is another opportunity to practice trusting yourself.
Your stories and beliefs help shape your self-concept, and your actions give you new experiences to learn from. You can appreciate who you are today while growing into more of what you want. Why wait to take the next step?
This is part of what we explore in private coaching: understanding yourself more deeply, getting clear about what you genuinely want, and bringing that direction into the choices you make. If you'd like to explore working together, contact me here.
Photo by Fares Hamouche on Unsplash